Kiss the Joy, as it Flies

If you carry joy in your heart you can heal any moment. ~ Carlos Santana

Joy is medicine. Indigenous people will tell you that a hummingbird’s joy awakens the medicine flowers.

Every year at this time, I get excited about my hummingbird feeder. Countless mornings, in quiet stillness, I have been surprised by the sound of a hummingbird’s oscillating wings as it darts about, seeking the sugar and nectar contained in the feeder and nearby flowers. Sometimes I make myself a statue next to the feeder so that they might land on me. Move or clench and the hummingbirds flutter out of reach, whizzing back again when I soften into stillness.

I have a fascination with the the way hummingbirds hover, a manifestation of being in motion while remaining perfectly still. It reminds me that movement does not always call for motion. Like a hummingbird, suspension in the air — and letting time stand still— assures me that there is always sweetness in existence, especially when I have to hover for a while.

Joy isn’t something we chase, or try to capture. Paradoxically, the wisdom of learning to kiss the joy as it flies means we understand that like the hummingbird, life travels in all directions and sometimes may not feel like it is even moving at all. Life is many sided and dynamic. “Life is always and all ways.”

We won’t come to know joy by pushing certain experiences away or trying to capture others and hold onto them. Joy does not operate the same way happiness does. Happiness is conditional and driven by the ego’s chatter about external things, status and temporary circumstances. Joy is unconditional and arises from embracing each moment with an open heart, come what may. Joy celebrates all experience, just because we are in this life, here and now.

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy
He who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity’s sunrise.   

~William Blake

Hover. Vibe. Fly. Land. Repeat.

Kiss the joy, as it flies.

Love.

Love is the harmonizing energy of the universe. Paramahansa Yogananda

Valentine’s Day is sacred to me. My husband and I were engaged on Valentine’s Day in 1991 and my mother, Priscilla, transitioned on the same day 30 years later. These two people, who couldn’t have been more different, have shown me, maybe more than anyone else, that love resides inside the heart space of forgiveness. That is to say, if we truly desire and seek to experience the harmonizing energy of love, we will inevitably get wise to the ways we block it by holding on to its opposite: non-forgiveness. Hearts, minds, and bodies know when they are open, and when they are closed.

Stratham, NH

When negativity towards self and others takes up residence in our hearts and minds what could be a flow of love and harmony congeals and eventually hardens into blame, bitterness, and self-righteousness. Louise Hay and Caroline Myss have written extensively about the emotional and physical consequences of living in a chronic state of resentment, such as TMJ, overall body stiffness, pain of unknown origin, and lack of mobility in the joints, just to name a few.

It goes without saying that some things are easier to forgive than others, and for that reason, it usually takes a little while to disarm. Forgiveness does not ask us to accept hurtful behaviors, or forget about them. Forgiveness simply asks us to realize that the we are only ones truly being affected by bitter thoughts and feelings. None of us deserve to have past events and negative inner narratives become a barrier to a sense of sustained contentment. If we truly want to experience the harmonizing energy of the universe we call “love,” we need to make space for it by releasing painful experiences from our hearts and minds.

But how?

❤️ Begin with a sincere intention in your mind, body, and soul.

❤️ Spend time with positive people that will elevate your perspective.

❤️ Try Vinyasa, Yin and Restorative yoga. Locate places where you may be bracing, armoring, and holding tension in the body. Flow. Move. Breathe. Get Still. Soften. Let go.

❤️ Try Yoga Nidra

❤️ Try Deep Brain Reorienting a therapy model that dismantles experiential shock held by the body. You could also try Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), also known for shifting the splenetic chronicle of non-forgiveness to a perspective that prevents outside influences from determining how you feel..

Lei from Wendy in Oahu to Stratham, NH

❤️ Try energy healing and energy psychology. Assisting the Human Energy Field (HEF) with Reiki, Hands of Light, Healing Touch, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or Cranial Sacral Therapy (CST) can transform emotional re-activity to a state of neutrality. Resentment and negativity are chronically depleting physically and emotionally. Energy work is known to expand consciousness and physical vitality by affecting feelings as a form of pure energy, and going underneath the memory and the story rather than continually verbalizing an old (or new) “story” that no longer serves.

❤️ Read Speaker for the Dead by Orson Scott Card or Beneficence by Meredith Hall.

❤️ Try journaling. My favorite journaling prompts for transforming hurt into harmony come from my friend, Jennie Lee, an author, coach, and yoga therapist, in her award winning book, Spark Change.

❤️ Try meditating with the ancient Hawaiian mantra “Ho’onoponopono,” translated “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.” Send it to yourself and others. Watch what happens.

Forgive your mother; forgive your father; forgive your sister; forgive your brother; forgive your ex; forgive the person who misunderstood you; forgive the person who didn’t know how to listen; forgive the person for whom your love was not enough; forgive the person for whom your love was too much; and most of all, forgive yourself, over and over and over again.

Doorways

Whether it’s going outside the castle walls, entering a home, crossing into a sacred space, or stepping into a new phase of life, doorways symbolize the passage of time and the transformation that occurs as we move from one phase of life to another. Like my yoga teacher Rose pointed out this week: “Nothing lasts forever, Barb.” Yup. Yoga is one doorway I move through every day, so that I might learn to notice and embrace the truth of impermanence.

We will pass through many doorways. We may choose to go in to and out of some, while life pushes us across others, kicking and screaming. After passing over some thresholds, we can’t turn back, and are never the same again. Whether we have chosen it or not—a doorway can leave us blank and empty, wondering who we are. And what to do next, if anything.

But doorways know. They know that “I am my silence. I am not the busyness of my thoughts or the daily rhythm of my actions. I am not the stuff that constitutes my world. I am not my talk. I am not my actions. I am my silence. I am the consciousness that perceives all these things. When I go to my consciousness, to that great pool of silence that observes all the intricacies of my life, I am aware that I am me. I take a little time each day to sit in silence so that I can move outward in balance to the great clamour of living.”

May we all take a little time each day this Summer to walk through the doorways of stillness and silence. So that we might come closer to who we really are.

Mama Karma

Old Man of Storr, Isle of Skye, Scotland

I just returned from a trip to Scotland with my daughter and her partner. It was an adventurous trip for us. We hiked the Old Man of Storr on the Isle of Skye, dipped our faces in the fountain of youth, met a rebel designer named Claire, and learned that my affinity for wandering is highly regarded as the “Right to Roam. “ In Scotland trespassing as a concept and law do not exist. We also threw the ashes of my recently deceased brother overboard into the Loch Ness and met a ghost in the underground vaults of Edinburgh. Lots of discovery, the most meaningful of which was that regardless of our itinerary were truly happy and excited to share the experiences. We are free to “be” together, and our space is open and unconditional. I am beyond grateful that this is our relationship today. It feels like good karma.

It all brought me back to the karma I had with my mothers, and the messages and conditioning I received from them about myself — all of which were a direct result of all the messaging and conditioning they received about themselves (their karma) from their own families. My mothers became a narrative for me, a tale of two mothers, two lives, and two choices. Both of my mothers had babies out of wedlock in the 50’s and 60’s, a time when this was not well accepted by society. My adoptive mother kept her first baby and my biological mother mother did not. We all have the right to choose that which we can live with. Each to her own karma.

When we see clearly, we become aware of karma’s ripple effect and surface patterns. Some of these patterns we will notice inside ourselves. They may arise in our consciousness as a way of being, thinking, and acting in the world. We may not want to continue or pass these messages, beliefs or behaviors on to our own children, as much as there may be many things that we do hope to pass on. I love both of my mothers. I am grateful to my birth mother for providing me with with the gift of life, and I am also grateful to my adoptive mother for providing a “fiercely-lived” example of the importance of being true to oneself, come what may. Awareness of karma, or generational conditioning, has been essential to unearthing my own center. Staying open and aware has shifted my sense of myself, and I have come to believe and do something other than what I was conditioned to believe and do. Something other than what my mothers were conditioned to believe and do. So that I might learn a karmic lesson.

Isle of Skye, Scotland

If we are receptive, we will learn many karmic lessons throughout our lives. My friend Jennie Lee says we should think of life as an ongoing karma project. Her formula is simple (but not necessarily easy): Take a quiet moment in meditation and ask yourself what needs completing in your life? Once your get your answer, establish an action plan to change old patterns in order to finish the lesson. (See Spark Change, Question #54).

One question I ask myself a lot is: Am I stuck in a karmic pattern or am I forging a new path? Our conditioning very often becomes an ongoing pattern simply because we lack awareness of it. Even so, karma is not some sort of predestination theology. Take some time. Get still. No matter the lesson, we have been given the gifts of awareness, free will, courage, acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, and gratitude. We can use these gifts to our own benefit, not to mention the benefit of others. New karma is being seeded all the time. The goodness is that we can choose to redirect and recondition ourselves and our karma by acting with heart and wisdom, rather than repeating negative patterns from old conditioning.

Highland Coo, Scotland

Step inside and spend some time with yourself. Direct your attention inwardly. Ask: What is motivating me as I take action? Is it fear or love? Am I motivated by an attitude of compassion and non judgment? Am I free of resentment and assumption? Essentially: Is the energy around my action positive or negative?

We are creating karma all the time whether we are aware of it, or not. All it takes to re-condition or complete a lesson is self-awareness combined with positive intention and mindful action moment by moment. One day at a time.

Life may not be a dress rehearsal, but it is a practice.

Practicing Acceptance: Forest Bathing in Winter

Stratham, New Hampshire USA

It’s hard not to notice how much time we spend complaining about winter, avoiding it, or trying to escape it. (1) I’m thoroughly annoyed when a bomb cyclone pummels the East Coast and my yoga class gets cancelled. But it is also true that a raging blizzard bestows an object lesson on home, and therefore, “inside” practice; nature ordains that I stay put for a while and wait for conditions to change.

I revel in the storm watch, including impasses caused by blizzard conditions, and all the closings and cancellations. Winter storms have always excited and relaxed me at the same time. I do not see winter as a season that needs to be escaped, resisted, or endured.  I value winter, not only for its beauty, but for the natural rhythm and resting period it provides for the earth. Winter’s slower pace permits intermission, retreat, and reflection- all of which are necessary for the transformation that comes in spring.

One way to practice active acceptance and stay in the present moment during the winter months is to take up outdoor walking meditations, a practice also known as forest bathing.  Forest bathing, or Shinrin-Yoku (2), is a form of therapy developed by the Japanese.  The benefits of Shinrin-Yoku are similar to those found in a physical yoga or in a sitting meditation practice with the added benefit of being outside.

Shinrin-Yoku is an immersive experience where one soaks in the natural environment quietly, without distraction. The technique was developed to alleviate the consequences of stress.  It is well-proven that time spent in the great outdoors restores mental, physical and spiritual health.

Lovejoy Pond. Fayette, Maine, USA

Our brains need time to recharge. The demands of everyday life such as reading, social interactions, and time on electronic devices require “forced attention”, all of which result in “attention fatigue.”  As necessary and entertaining as these activities may be, they deplete our brain’s batteries.  Forest bathing allows the brain to relax and revive itself from prolonged periods of forced attention.

Phil Stieg, MD Ph.D. Chairman of Neurological Surgery and Neurosurgeon-in-Chief at New York Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical Center encourages his patients to take time out in nature.  “Getting out in nature seems to relax the brain’s frontal lobes and relieve attention fatigue and stress.” (3)

Forest environments also increase human natural killer (NK) cell activity and the expression of anti-cancer proteins. (4,5,6)  Evergreens, in particular, emit high concentrations of substances that protect them from bacteria, fungi, and insects. These organic compounds are called phytoncides.  In addition to antimicrobial potency, several studies have uncovered the ability of phytoncides to increase NK cells that fight infections, cancers, and tumors in the human genome.

Stowe, Vermont USA 📸: Donata Random

Mental, physical, and spiritual benefits aside, I savor winter through daily walking meditation.  Sometimes I bring a camera to capture the beauty I see, but I have also discovered that leaving the camera (and cell phone) behind changes the quality of my attention.  Rather than engaging in the mental activity of “taking” pictures, I “turn off” the camera (and with it, my mind), creating greater receptivity to the moment.

The sharp, pale sky; towering Evergreen boughs, heavy with snowfall and the scent of balsam; the crackle and crunch under foot; tracks left by nocturnal fauna; the slide  (instead of swim) across a hardened lake—  this is the magic of winter’s jouissance.   The brilliance, density, and magnitude of the stars on arid winter nights stir otherworldly questions, summoning the numinous.  Winter is a hushed time for reverence—  a time to let the impermanence of all things, and the cyclical quality of life and seasonal renewal, sink in. ~ Barbara Dugan 2022

 1. If you aren’t a winter sport enthusiast, that is. 

2. ”Shinrin” means forest and “Yoku” signifies bathing.

3. Heid, Markham, How ‘Soft Fascination’ Helps Restore Your Tired Brain, Elemental, June 16. 2021

 4. Li Q, Morimoto K, Kobayashi M, Inagaki H, Katsumata M, Hirata Y, Hirata K, Shimizu T, Li YJ, Wakayama Y, Kawada T, Ohira T, Takayama N, Kagawa T, Miyazaki Y. "A forest bathing trip increases human natural killer activity and expression of anti-cancer proteins in female subjects." J Biol Regul Homeost Agents. 2008 Jan–Mar;22(1):45–55.

5.  Q Li, M Kobayashi, Y Wakayama, H Inagaki, M Katsumata, Y Hirata, K Hirata, T Shimizu, T Kawada, B J Park, T Ohira, T Kagawa, Y Miyazaki Effect of phytoncide from trees on human natural killer cell function, Int J Immunopathol  PharmacolOct-Dec 2009;22(4):951-9. doi: 10.1177/039463200902200410.

6.  Li Q, Morimoto K, Kobayashi M, Inagaki H, Katsumata M, Hirata Y, Hirata K, Suzuki H, Li YJ, Wakayama Y, Kawada T, Park BJ, Ohira T, Matsui N, Kagawa T, Miyazaki Y, Krensky AM. "Visiting a forest, but not a city, increases human natural killer activity and expression of anti-cancer proteins." Int J Immunopathol Pharmacol. 2008 Jan–Mar;21(1):117–27.

Resources and Further Reading

The Nature Talks: www.thenaturetalks.com

Peter Wohlleben Website: https://www.peter-wohlleben.de/?set-culture=en Forrester and author of The Hidden Life of Trees ©2016, Wohlleben is a scientific pioneer who has made it his mission to testify to the importance of forests for human life.

Last child in the Woods by Richard Louv ©2006 Backed by research, Louv shows that direct exposure to nature is essential for healthy childhood development and a potent therapy for depression, obesity, and ADD. Louv also substantiates that education in natural settings dramatically improves skills in problem solving, critical thinking, creativity, and decision making.

Wintering by Katherine May ©2020 An exquisite personal account, May uses winter as an object lesson in active acceptance.

Dreams as Messengers in Recovery

“Information will come to us in our dreams that cannot be received any other way.” *

Sleep is incredibly important for overall health and well-being.  Consumption of alcohol can negatively affect sleep, whether in the context of an alcohol use disorder or a habitual glass of wine or two. In particular, REM sleep, the part of sleep that is associated with dreaming, is highly vulnerable to these effects. and therefore our connection to the unconscious mind.

Dreams provide connection to the unconscious that can be important keys to unlocking messages that can help navigate a healing recovery journey.  The unconscious mind thrives on automatic behaviors.  Automatic behaviors, loss of control, and psychological denial are insidious aspects of attachment, and its extreme, addiction.  

In Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams ©2017, Matthew Walker, Ph.D explains that people consuming even moderate amounts of alcohol in the afternoon or evening are depriving themselves of this beneficial dream sleep. 

Alcohol dismantles sleep in three ways:

1. Alcohol is in a class of drugs called sedatives. Sedation is not sleep. 

2. Alcohol fragments sleep by releasing activating chemicals which prevent continuous sleep. Continuous sleep is necessary for the body’s restoration. By littering the night with brief awakenings that go unnoticed by the sleeper, alcohol prevents that needed repair.  

3. Alcohol suppresses dream sleep (REM). When the body metabolizes alcohol it produces by-product chemicals called aldehydes and ketones.  The aldehydes in particular will block the brain’s ability to generate REM sleep. It’s rather like the cerebral version of cardiac arrest, preventing the pulsating beat of brainwaves that otherwise power dream sleep. The electrical brainwave state one enters via alcohol is not that of natural sleep; rather, it is akin to a light form of anesthesia.

The quality of sleep and ability to enter dream sleep will be directly affected by the quantity and frequency of  alcohol consumed.  Any amount of alcohol consumed will negatively impact one’s ability to achieve restorative sleep.

If you are a person who has developed an alcohol use disorder, you will most likely have experienced chronic sleep deprivation and its consequences on your mind, body, and connection to the unconscious through dream sleep. Going for long stretches of time without dream sleep produces a tremendous build up, and backlog of, pressure to obtain REM sleep.

The good news is that once a person has detoxed physically from alcohol, meaning alcohol has cleared the body, restorative sleep returns. When REM sleep returns to the chronically sleep deprived, it is not uncommon to experience extremely intense, vivid, and disturbing dreams, the energy of which may linger in one’s thoughts and emotions. Dreamscapes can feel extremely realistic and often include “using dreams,” where the dreamer wakes up feeling all of the anxiety, guilt, and even panic of having relapsed in a dream. Because REM sleep has been continuously suppressed for a period of months or years, it is as if the brain is playing catch up and the backlog of REM floods the dreamer. 


One of the ways to think about this is that first we experience a clearing of alcohol physically, and then, as REM sleep returns, we begin to clear its effect psychologically through returned memories and dreams in REM sleep.  Dreams offer a deep psychological detox once safety has been established physically.  

A connection to what is unconscious for the recovering person is an important part of staying in recovery because so much of the obsession lives in denial. In this way, the disease progresses psychologically and spiritually, as well as physically. After all, alcohol is deeply embedded in the psyche, both collectively and individually. When we adopt a new way of life as a non-drinker, or person in recovery, it takes tremendous effort and courage to metabolize the shift socially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These shifts, however, are necessary to arrive at a new level of awareness and alignment.  In this way, we might consider that ‘using dreams’ are opportunities to experience the feelings that go along with a relapse without actually drinking or using.  This is why dreams can be such a powerful component to the recovery process, helping one access the unconscious in a beneficial way. 

What can we learn from “drinking and using dreams?” 

Dreams are highly specific but unfortunately highly susceptible to being forgotten, which is why it is essential to capture their messages in the moment. 

Upon waking from a using or drinking dream, one might notice a feeling of relief and gratitude that it that it was “just a dream.” This points to a sincere desire to maintain sobriety.  It can also help the dreamer recognize how far away from themselves they had gone as the drinking progressed over time, and where the growing edge is in their current recovery process. 

Dreams of relapse, at or near a relapse are important.  These dreams often serve as a barometer of sobriety or a warning light on one’s psychological and spiritual dashboard.  They generally occur when a person is close to relapsing or finds themselves in a situation or psychological state where they would have turned to alcohol or drugs for relief in the past.  

“The dream knows something I do not.”  **

In this way, dreams have the capacity to serve recovery practices.  For example, a newly sober woman drives by a liquor store every day without stopping.  She then dreams that she stops at this liquor store, purchases a couple bottles of wine, and then consumes one of them in her car on the way to pick up her children from daycare.  Upon awaking from the dream, the dreamer feels overwhelmed with shame about her reckless and irresponsible behavior.  

Dreams speak symbolically and therefore, can communicate several truths at once.  If this was a behavior that the woman engaged in prior to entering recovery, the dream might be a sign that while things are improving, there is unresolved shame that needs attention. The dream could also be a relief to the dreamer, and a reminder of how much improvement she is experiencing on her recovery journey.  The dreamer may also want to examine why such reckless and irresponsible behavior appeared in a dream at this particular time.  Perhaps the dream is pointing to a need for increased self-care and nurturing, or greater discipline and accountability in her recovery practices. The dreamer could ask herself:  “How am I protecting myself and my sobriety today? Or, am I protecting those who have been most affected by my drinking in the past? “ 

To mine the value of your dreams, it’s important to keep a record of them as soon as  you wake.  You may want to consider what your conscious standpoint was prior to the dream.  Dreams almost always concern issues we are not fully conscious of.  

After a drinking or using dream, ask yourself the following: 

  • Am I minimizing the impact of my drinking/substance use?

  • Am I overconfident or testing control?

  • Is the pace of my life conducive to self-care, or is it possible that I have become too busy with distractions to pay attention to myself and my emotions?

  • Is there something I am in denial or lying to myself about?

  • Why am I dreaming this now?

  • What does this dream require of me?

The importance of inner work for individuals in recovery cannot be underestimated. The return of REM sleep provides invaluable messages from the unconscious for deeper self-inquiry. Paying attention to the content of your dreams increases self-awareness and fuels the potential for a more deliberate and authentic life in recovery. ~ Barbara Dugan 2021

** Dreams as Angels: Feeding the Dream with our Substance, Russel A. Lockhart, 2013

The Fertile Void: How to Befriend Uncertainty

Many contemporary psychologists have adopted both the concept and language associated with the Dark Night of the Soul, an experience first described by Christian Mystics that included sustained periods of spiritual emptiness, uncertainty, and unknowing. 

Lovejoy Pond, Maine

Periods of uncertainty, unknowing, and Dark Nights are often triggered by the voids that follow any significant loss, such as a change in lifestyle, the estrangement or breakdown of an important relationship, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, a career change, children leaving home, or the diagnosis + recovery from a life-threatening illness, just to name a few. Dark Nights may leave us wondering who we are, if we matter, and if we are making an impact. Dark Nights often spark the questions: Is how I am spending my time worth my time? Is what am engaged in something that I am genuinely committed to, or even interested in?  Do I feel full? What are the parts of my life that feel like an empty ritual? How would my life change if I had nothing to prove?

We thrive on passion and meaning because without them life can feel like an empty ritual.

In her book, Magical Journey, Katrina Kenison has called these empty, questioning, and doubting phases “the fertile void.”  Fertile voids are incredibly challenging and often distressing.

To be conscious of an inner void or conflict —and to achieve authentic resolution without seeking to fill the void with numbing agents or material distractions and external validation—is uncomfortable. Even so, I would propose that leaning in to the void with patience, an open mind, and a listening heart is the way to full self -expression, unconditional love, and inner contentment.

We are so materially oriented as a culture that using external distractions to avoid the opportunity and promise of a fertile void is a readily available option. 

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I call avoidance behaviors fertile void cheat codes. A fertile void cheat code is any automatic behavior (or numbing agent) used to escape the discomfort of the void. In these instances, the void cannot speak to us as we are “stuffing” it with avoidance. I am sure I am not alone when I say that I have digressed to a default fertile void cheat code more than once in my life.  Instead of consciously and courageously engaging myself and exploring  the uncertainty and all its discomfort-- I sought to caulk the hollow feeling in my heart with attachments and outside distractions.

What I have learned over and again is that caulk is sticky, never really matches, cracks, and falls out.  To truly metabolize the voids I had to learn how to to slow down, hit pause, spend time in nature, and lean inward. Sitting in quiet stillness; and waiting for the awareness and acceptance of what my heart and soul already know, but what my ego might not want to hear, has always been the way.  We all bloom in our own time.  What is your way?

“Growth and transformation occur not by changing who we are… but as we summon the courage to be who we are.  And that means bringing our own true, vulnerable, imperfect selves out of hiding and into the world.“

Magical Journey by Katrina Kenison ©2013

Questions for Reflection

  • Where am I experiencing the fertile void— the dark night and unknowing— in my life, right now?

  • Have I experienced other fertile voids? What happened? What changed, if anything? Do I have a fertile void cheat code? If so, what has it shown me?

  • Is there someone or some thing blocking me that I need to release or forgive? (Include yourself here. I often find self-forgiveness to be the most challenging.)

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“It’s not for me to judge the gifts I have to offer the world, but it is up to me to summon the courage to offer them. There are as many ways to be of use and to express our love as there are people on this earth.” Magical Journey by Katrina Kenison ©2013


From Spark Change ©2020

  • How can I befriend uncertainty?

  • What is life asking me to learn right now?

  • What am I doing when I feel the most alive?

The only way out is through. But, as my friend Thomas Moore points out in his book Dark Night of the Soul, being stuck is part of being human, and a dark night of the soul can be a profoundly good thing. It allows for a life that once made sense, but needs reviving, to break apart and then come together in a new shape. “If the dark night is indeed a rite of passage,“ he writes, “your job is to let the transformation take place. Be sculpted, renewed, changed. You are the caterpillar becoming the butterfly. Your task is to let the change happen. Do what you can to participate in, and cautiously and artfully further the process. Discover the very point of personhood: the process of constant renewal.“ Magical Journey by Katrina Kenison ©2013


May we all carry the light that is in us

and around us

without restriction,

as we navigate our

fertile voids together.

On Motherhood

One of my very favorite people asked me, shortly after my adoptive mother, Priscilla, passed,

“How are you feeling about Mother’s Day?” 

It was an interesting question, partly because I have 2 mothers, and I am a mother myself. My natural mother released me in 1963 to another mother, unknown to her. My adoptive mother transitioned on February 14th 2021.  It was a thought provoking seed question for a happy-clappy, social media curated, Hallmark Holiday where we have come to glorify mothers simply because they are mothers, without a lot of honest attention given to the actual relationships we, as mothers, have with our children.  

The more salient question, for me, became:

How are you feeling about your mothering?

Before having my daughter, now 25, I was terrified of motherhood.  Due to my profound mother wound I engaged in therapy for five years prior to a decision with my husband to have children.  On a very deep level, I understood that I needed to metabolize all the shadow messages I received from my mothers about motherhood, or mother unconsciously, passing on the tendencies and negative messaging to my own child.  The truth is, I still did to some extent, as we all do, but I was painfully aware and accountable to it when I did.  I worked hard, and still do, not to project inner narratives on to my daughter.  

The mother-daughter relationship is complex.  As our relationship and the world around us changes, Emma and I are becoming more transparent about the ways in which our emotional lives affect (and have affected) each other.  We have become very good platforms for each other’s “process.”

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When we look into the mirrors that reflect back the relationships we have with our children, we may be delighted by those things we WANT reflected back to us, simply because they make us, as mothers, feel good about our mothering. 

But what about the things we don’t want to own? 

What about the things that make us uncomfortable? 

What we fail to clear in our own beings as mothers our children will have to process. Do I, as a mother,  take full responsibility for what is mine , and leave what is up to my adult child to her?  This is the harder work of conscious mothering.

I have learned that if I engage in mothering with courage, vulnerability, and honesty, the path of motherhood becomes one of love in action.

7 Challenges in Recovery & What We Can Do.

Self-Pity, Self Avoidance and Passivity.

"Why me?  Cure me! Fix me; don't change me!" 

Self-pity and passivity are no way to recover.  In fact, self-pity, self-avoidance, and passivity are probably the driving forces behind the progression of the disease to begin with.  There is no substitute for taking personal responsibility for our recovery.  We choose to learn by leaning into the discomfort of early recovery and increasing awareness of ourselves in such a way that we can embrace the “assignment.”

Resisting Total Abstinence.

Many people in early recovery have a difficult time with the recommendation of total abstinence.  If, for instance, they have gotten into trouble with alcohol, but not with pot, they conclude that they should only abstain from alcohol.  This is not a sound conclusion for a number of reasons.  If we want to recovery fully and become enlightened, the best decision is to abstain from all other drugs (and alcohol).

Here’s why.

 i.     Using anything else (that is not part of a prescribed addiction recovery program i.g. anti-depressant or other psychopharmacology) will set off urges to use the drug of choice.

ii.     Using other drugs to cope with life got us addicted in the first place.

iii.     Using other drugs (or consuming alcohol) will prolong cravings.

iv.     Relapse does not start when we pick up our drug of choice.  It actually starts with our thinking.

Cravings.

Cravings are a physical manifestation of the disease leaving the body.  It is a mistake to think cravings are an indication that treatment is not working OR that you have to use in order to alleviate a craving. Instead: Short-circuit the urge. 

Get out of the moment by canceling the thought instead of feeding it. Turn towards something nurturing.  Turn towards love rather than fear.  Call someone who support,s loves you and understands the disease. Get to a meeting. Get to yoga. Go to the gym. Change the thought; change the behavior; extinguish the craving.

 High Risk Set Ups.

 High Risk Set Ups are people, places, or things that are associated with alcohol or drug use.  Some examples might be:  unhealthy relationships, old hang outs, having using paraphernalia around, including favorite beer t-shirts, or steins, wine glasses—anything one associates with using.  Many people believe that they can beat this disease by themselves, by just making a simple decision not to use.  What we often forget is the power of rituals, behaviors, and feelings that were driving the use.  We need to bring these out into the open in order to identify high-risk set ups and stay away from them.  Exercise:  Construct a relapse scenario.  What could arise in your life that has the potential to set you up?

 The Idealized High.

If you find yourself idealizing or romancing a high; cut this thought off and go to the worst possible moment you can remember while using-- times when you were physically ill or in danger of hurting yourself of someone else, or times perhaps, where you actually did did cause yourself or another harm. 

Overconfidence and Testing Control.

The old thinking pattern of “I think I’ll go to the bar and play pool and see my friends—I can handle it, besides, I’ve decided not to drink and/or use anymore and I’m starting to feel really good.” is a high risk set up we need to move away from completely.  Choosing to think it is possible to be cured of this disease has led many to relapse.  Recovery requires a healthy respect for the damage this disease can do, even after one has been clean a while.  A decision not to use is a good first step, and remember, if a decision were all that was necessary to stop using nobody would need to read this.  Protect your sobriety by not sabotaging yourself in this way.

Overreacting to Slips.

If you have a slip or relapse, it is important to put on the breaks as quickly as possible.  Don’t wallow in despair, guilt and misery.  Turn towards your recovery.  Turn towards what is nurturing.  Turn towards self-compassion. Connect to goodness and don't be afraid to call on love.  Call someone who understands the disease of addiction and can help you turn yourself around.

Exercise:  If you slipped; what would you do?  Who would you call?

Adapted from Dr. Arnold Washton.  Dr Washton can be found at www.recoveryoptions.us